There’s a big family party happening this year, one that I won’t be going to. I can’t afford to go as there’s travel involved as well as somewhere to stay but that aside, my anxiety stops me too. A party with family members I’ve not seen for a long time, who I’d love to see but I can’t. I also know that seeing photos from the party is going to make me feel like shit because I’m never in family photos. I have one photo of me with my mum and siblings, if you were to look on any of their social media accounts you’d never know I existed, there’s loads of photos of them together. I hate having anxiety, I wish it was something I could decide wasn’t for me but it has a way of clinging on, uses your own mind against you and has more control than I’d like to admit.
I suffer with anxiety and have done for, well for as long as I can remember. As I get older, the worse it seems to get and it feels like there is no way of stopping it or slowing it down. I know a lot of it is due to my ex and PTSD and I often wonder if the social side of things is due to moving around a lot as a child (living somewhere for no longer than a year and half). I struggle so much to make friends, in the school playground when I collect my children I see others chatting and laughing and wish I could be like that, wish I could just walk over to someone and say hi. Sometimes I even manage to fool myself into thinking I can, I think today is the day, I can do this. Then do you know what happens, anxiety pops up and says don’t be silly, of course you can’t. It’s like it enjoys fooling me into thinking I’m ok, that I can overcome it but then realisation kicks in. Explaining to someone who doesn’t suffer with anxiety is so hard, because when you explain things out loud, it really does sound silly. It doesn’t feel silly that’s for sure!! Then I’m faced with do I tell them as soon as I start talking, to explain why I’m socially awkward or is that going to scare them away as much as me being the way I am does. Have you ever heard people say, you’re ok, you can do this, don’t be silly, etc, ha fuck you!! If I could just wake up and stop myself feeling and being like this, don’t you think I would!!? Who wants to feel like this on a daily basis, I know I certainly don’t!!
Think I’ve come to realise that this friendship thing is hard. I’m 35, nearly 36 and if I don’t have them by now, time to maybe give up trying lol. I have people I talk to, some who I even meet up with once or twice a year, that’ll do for me 🙂
Anyone else feel like this sometimes? Being an adult is bloody hard and the making friends thing just seems to get harder as you get older.
In the past I have had a couple of ‘best friends’ or so I thought………..funny enough we don’t talk anymore. One of them would even cross the road now rather than saying hello. The other has slowly stopped messaging, stopped talking so I’m distancing myself as I’m not going through that again. It hurt so much when the first one stopped talking to me, she was going through lots of things and I had something she at the time couldn’t have so was hard for her. I get that. But it still hurt like hell. I refuse to have that happen to me again, no-one has that right to treat us in that way and make us feel so shit.
This isn’t a sympathy post, just giving in to reality and realising that actually, I’m ok like this 🙂 I’ve spent so long being down about the fact I don’t have friends I can meet up with regularly, but no more! I need to start thinking about the things I do have and being thankful for that 😀
Onwards and upwards……
Why is it that making friends when you’re an adult is so bloody hard!!? It can’t just be me that struggles with this surely.
I suffer with social anxiety and this obviously doesn’t help but I just want some friends. Is that so much to ask!!? I don’t do the school run as I start work before school starts so my daughter leaves my work and walks the 30 second walk to school (in the same grounds as my work) when it’s time to go in. Then I pick her up from after school club. But do you know what, if I did do the school run the parents never seem friendly. They all have their own groups of friends and the times I have been there to pick her up from school, they never seem to return the smile which doesn’t encourage me to try again. I could be better I’m sure, but that is something I really struggle with. I can’t just walk up to someone I know and start a conversation, I envy those who can do that.
I can’t join groups as my partner works shifts so wouldn’t be able to commit to a certain day, I join groups on facebook but never seem to find someone who lives nearby. I feel like giving up on the friend front. But then I see a couple of friends when I’m out, having a laugh, chat, cup of coffee and I want that for me.
How do others who suffer with this make friends!!??
I’ve been on training for the last 2 days about domestic abuse. Although I expected it to be a bit upsetting I never expected to come home and have panic attacks. Domestic abuse takes such a long time to recover from, don’t even know if you ever fully recover. It’s scary how you can be in a situation and never realise how bad things have got until you try to leave that situation. Hate that it still has a hold over me, can still get to me but I’m determined that one day I can talk about it without becoming an emotional mess. If you know or suspect that someone is going through domestic abuse, don’t look away, be there when they need to talk, don’t tell them ‘well just leave then’ it’s not that easy! More importantly, be there for them after they make that decision because leaving that situation is possibly the hardest and scariest thing they will go through.