Father’s

I had a phone call from my dad earlier, he never phones me and can’t remember the last time I saw him – my son is 5 and doesn’t remember ever seeing him so it’s possibly at least 4 years. I knew it was going to be bad news because why else get in touch now. (He lives in the same city as me so no excuse of living miles and miles away).

He turned up with his partner and said ‘are you feeling strong’ and asked if we could go in the kitchen so the kids didn’t hear. He has pancreatic and liver cancer, has been told it could be weeks or months. He is going to have chemo which will start in 2-3 weeks.

I’ve never been close to my dad, I don’t know him as a person and vice versa. Rarely see him etc but I just want to cry. I’m sad that I’ve never been close to him, sad that my children have never had a grandad like they should have had with him, sad that it’s taken this for him to realise what he should have been doing all this time.

It’s also got me thinking about my daughter, don’t know if it’s also made her think as well. She hasn’t seen her twunt of father since 2013 as she told him she didn’t want to see him anymore. She does know that if she wanted to see him, no matter what my feelings are about him I’d try to get in touch to make it happen. But it scares me that she’ll want to now, the thought of him having to be back in our lives. It might not have even come to her mind about the fact that my dad has something that is going to kill him and then I won’t see him anymore. She knows we have never been close and has spoken in the past about it being like her and her dad. Before I knew what he was coming round for, we were talking as my son had asked what my dads name is, she asked what her dads name is (first time she’s spoken about him really) and she said how would you even get in touch with my dad if I wanted to see him.

Life sucks sometimes!!

What’s something in your life you need to get rid of??

I can only think of one thing here, would love to say it’s a minor thing but it’s not, it’s bloody huge!! Well to me it’s huge anyway. So other than the obvious, anxiety, I would love to get rid of my fear of my ex, of living the life I want to have because of him. Sounds like more than one thing there doesn’t it, but it’s not. It all links back to him! I can’t go to certain places because I’m scared/worried/anxious (you name it, I’m that emotion – well other than the good ones anyway), the thought that he might be there, that I could see him, that keeps me away from those places. I live in a city but I am confined to only going to certain areas of that city, not because he’s told me I can’t go to them, but because of my fear of him, my worry that he’ll be round the next corner, that he’ll try and come back into our lives if he saw us. I saw him at the local supermarket a few months ago, first time I’ve seen him in about 4 years and I was a mess. He spoke to me as if nothing had happened, as if he has had no lasting effect on me. How dare he!!? How fucking dare he! My children were with me, my daughter (who has the unfortunate luck of having him as her father) was with me. She didn’t recognise him because 5 years ago she told him she didn’t want to see him anymore. I have never left a shop so fast, I chucked all my shopping into the trolley, didn’t pack it into bags, just wanted to get out of there before he was finished. Wanted to get in my car and drive away before he could see what car I drive now, before he could come over and try to come back into our lives. I was shaking, I was trying so hard not to cry as I chucked it all into the boot of the car and on the way home, whilst looking in my rear view mirror to see if he’d seen me leave the carpark, I cried. Thankfully I don’t live too far away from the shop we were in, so didn’t have far to drive in that state but I was a mess and having to try to keep it together in front of your children is bloody hard I can tell you that much. My daughter is old enough to know something was up, she knows bits about what things were like, she was 3 when we split up and vaguely remembers bits, but the main thing she knows is the effect it’s had on me since. She sees that a lot, I never slag him off to her, in front of her etc, but I can not hide the way he makes me, the white knuckles as I follow a sat nav and take a wrong turn, the sharpening of a kitchen knife, you know, the things you should be able to do like a ‘normal’ person. I hate that word, normal!! What even is that!!?

I do go on don’t I, I’ve come away from the point of the post……so what I really would love to get rid of in my life is my ex and the way he makes me feel/still controls me in some ways even after almost 10 years of not being together.

stating the obvious

My baby was due on Monday and on Monday I took my daughter to school, still with baby in my tummy! I got lots of questions that day, asking when the due date was and lots of shocked expressions when I told them that actually, it was today. Well Tuesday, the same people who had asked on the Monday then asked ‘oh still not had baby then’ um does the fact that my tummy still looks like I have a beach ball up my top and I have no baby with me not tell you that no, in fact I have not had the baby yet!!??