One thing, there is no way I can pin point just the one thing here! Why is it so easy to put yourself down, I mean I could go on and on about things I could improve on, things I’m not happy with about me, things I’m not good at etc. But to actually think of positives, I struggle!! Why is that! You know the top of a CV where you’re meant to sell yourself, I get stuck on that bit, how do you sell yourself when you don’t believe what you’re actually writing!?
So anyway back to the question and point of this post……..I think my biggest struggle is I don’t see what others see. When I was having therapy for my PTSD and we were talking about the things I had done during the episode that was really bad for me, I just could not see what I had done as anything but something everyone else would have done in that situation. I’ll spread some light on that incident, so you can understand what I’m rambling on about. My ex put me through hell when I finally got the courage to end things with him, one of the times the police had to be called he’d phoned me and said I’d see what he’d done in the morning. I was scared shitless to go out of my front door (I live in a flat), I took my time as I didn’t know what to expect, him standing there ready to hurt me, a trap……I’d had many threats about this and how he’d kill me etc. So when I finally did go out of my front door, I was not expecting to see him there, hanging on a rope, from the banister outside my front door. My sister phoned the police/ambulance and with her partner at the time we cut him down whilst she got instructions on what to do on the phone. We saved his life that night and still to this day I don’t see what I done as any different to what anyone else would have done. But the therapist was trying to tell me that some would have gone back in and phoned the police and let them deal with it, especially after what he’d already done to me. I don’t know how true this is, I don’t know if I believe it! Surely most would do, if not all, would do what I done. Save a life?? I really don’t know. So anyway, she would sit there and after we’d spoken about it she’d ask how I felt about myself for doing that. So I would tell her that I done what anyone else would do, nothing special etc. When she asked how I would feel about someone else who had done the same, I was able to say that they were brave and strong, I’m sure there were other words I used but when she bought it back to me, she said so do you see yourself like that, no. No is my answer to that. So I think my biggest struggle with loving myself is me. The way I see myself. Now how the hell do you go about changing that when it’s been the same way for so long!?